Linking Up With Heaven

Okay, I don't have a standard belief in Heaven, but the title is catchy, no? The subject is really those little signs and very personal signals that are Ken"s messages of love. He is not in the ladybug that lands on my glasses at a time of year when ladybugs are not normally seen. But I believe he sent the ladybug because he knows it will trigger my awareness and link me to him. Natural phenomenons are available to anyone, of course, it's the repetitiveness and out-of-the ordinary ways they behave that designates their status as messengers. If it makes me feel better I'll embrace it, thank my loved one and ask for more.
My daily routine now includes a relaxation and chakra-opening visualization, followed by holding images of Ken in my mind. Sometimes they sparkle and we make eye contact. The first time it happened he looked astonished that I broke through! It felt like real communication and I'm sure it was.
The kind of denial that drives me to hold on to everything he ever touched or used is still there. His ashes seem like the last thing I have left of him, but they are just ashes. Following direction from Marilyn Kaplan, the facilitator at my bereavement group, I spent time with the ashes on my lap. This was not as overwhelming as it sounds, in fact afterward I was able to purchase a beautiful silver star with hearts necklace from ashestoashes.com and fill it with a pinch of his ashes. I wear it next to my heart and am very proud of myself for filling it. They send a tiny funnel that makes it easy. Mourning jewelry used to be a common and comforting practice.

Changing Perspectives

Grief is not something I can get "over." It is something I will get through. Sometimes I think I am losing touch with reality, but it may be simply that my perspectives have changed. Watching a beautiful slideshow of family photos should not be excruciatingly painful! That reaction triggered anger and a determination to get through the pain to have my happy memories back. I sat with that slideshow and a box of Kleenex and watched it several times a day until my reaction was one of sweet sadness and smiles. I got through it! In griefworld, I have to clean up one little thing at a time. The images that haunt me have to be allowed to come, given their due attention, even if they come over and over again, until they don't. If they still haunt me, I'm not done yet. It takes courage to delve in, but my mind and body are providing a road map for the work I need to do.

Acceptance

There have been several "dream messages" from Ken given to me through family members. Most notably, our youngest daughter's, here's her description, written to me in an email: "I went to my house but you were there making food. It felt like your house but it was definitely mine. I was talking to you when I saw Daddy's butt as he got out of the shower. I said, "of all parts to see of Daddy, I get to see his butt!" and you laughed. After he got shorts on he walked by. I asked you if I was just seeing things and you said, "Try to talk to him" as he walked by I asked, "Hey Daddy how ya doing?" and he said, "I'm doing great. Thin, active, and I still get to be here" He walked into the bedroom and Cat was right behind him wagging her tail a whole bunch. She acted like she didn't even see me :( I saw her though. They disappeared. I cried with you for a second and then Daddy called out, "Hey Mary" and I looked up and said, "Daddy just called you" and you said, "I heard him" with a big grin. You went into the bedroom and laid your head on his belly. Then you came back into the kitchen and showed me the dish you had prepared. It was lettuce on top of a whole head of purple cabbage that was on top of a bowl of chopped vegetables. I took a bite of the cabbage and it just fell apart perfectly. You said you soaked it overnight in vegetable juice. Everything was super soft and perfect. I took a bite of the vegetables in the bowl with a big wooden spoon and accidentally ate the spoon! I apologized and figured out, oh this is a dream! I can't eat wood even if it's soaked over night. Then Daddy came back and said, "Tell your mom to separate the pictures and put the right ones into a storage container way back."
I'm so proud of her ability to achieve lucid dreams, which has been a goal of mine. Later, she told me he said "box" instead of "storage container," as that was her interpretation. I had been working on a grief box, an exercise for my bereavement support group, and the small photo album I had filled with Ken's photos didn't fit. So the message made sense to me, and I was very happy he was here and aware of what I'm doing.
Now the acceptance part. I am truly here without him. Wishing it were different is causing me pain, just as wishing my son was not schizophrenic causes pain to him and myself, because what is, is. It takes a lot of trust to believe that there are no accidents, no tragedies, just truth--truth that I signed up for and agree with. I am profoundly changed by my losses, there is no doubt about that. I seek to grow and to make almost 40 years of great love with Ken spiritually worth it. How can it not be?

Treating Psychosis Naturally

Pfeiffer Treatment Center diagnosed my son, who has schizophrenic symptoms but does not respond to conventional treatment, with pyroluria, a genetic blood disorder that allows pyroles to build up when hemoglobin is produced. The result is zinc and B6 deficiency, usually becoming worse during puberty. The symptoms may be similar to bipolar or schizoaffective disorders, and can manifest as anxiety and an inability to handle stress. B6 and zinc deficiency are easy to correct with megadoses of supplements; the challenge is to get someone with hallucinations and delusions to take them. Also, long-standing nutrient deficiencies can cause other imbalances. Pfeiffer compounded a formula for my son, who is not consistent about taking it. Since Ken passed I have been working to pay bills. I believe this is exactly as it should be, I am being guided, and it leaves my son very much on his own...we'll see how that turns out. The zinc and vitamin C are actually easy to add to tart foods like yogurt and lemonade. The B vitamins, however, are bitter tasting. I keep putting out the capsules and he takes them when he feels like it. I have just asked him not to throw them in the trash or the sink, due to the cost. He's a sweet soul, so my request has been honored. Eventually I think he will decide it is easier to take them than to hide them from me or try to get me to give up. Giving up is not an option for me. Add to that my daughter tested her 7 year old for pyroles and found a definite problem, explaining many troublesome behaviors, and is beginning early treatment. Go, next generation with knowledge!!

Learning to do Grief

Grief felt pretty much like self-pity at first. I know with all my being that Ken is not dead. He is young, strong, healthy and happy to be out of his sick body. I miss his old form terribly though. After not knowing what to do with myself I was directed to a grief group led by a dynamic facilitator at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach. She suggests an hour a day of grief work, with props like photos and songs, to empty out emotions so they don't build up to tsunami levels. This works, it feels healthy and natural. I still fall apart in the car sometimes (are other people in their cars doing this? Pull over!). I keep kleenex on the front seat and lean into it. I feel Ken's comforting touch and embrace, I see his smile and am aware of his mannerisms as if he is close to me. Over-analyzing this as either my imagination or my holding him back from his own journey, I was comforted by my daughter's dream. In it, he told her not to grieve that he is missing events in our lives, because time is not the same where he is, and our separation is just the blink of an eye, it's nothing.

Not that I'm an expert or anything...

Mary Earhart,

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Heartbreak and Loss

Ken left his body at 7:01 this morning, in front of the fireplace at home, surrounded by myself and our children. A sudden turn for the worse happened yesterday morning, characterized by difficulty breathing. Our wonderful hospice nurse came right away with tips to make him more comfortable. Between 3 and 4 am I woke up to find him awake and alert. I told him I loved him and said some familiar prayers and any reassuring thoughts that came to mind. Then he went to sleep, and by the time the kids got up his breathing had slowed down. We lit candles, put photos and flowers on the fireplace, burned the incense he liked and played some favorite music. Quickly, peacefully and naturally his breathing stopped. Officially, he died of complications of cancer. I feel very sorry for myself and the if-only's are crazy-making. I do know that Ken is all right and that I and our family will be all right in time. I am also grateful to the Universe to have had such a wonderful 37 1/2 year romance with Ken. He was an amazing husband and father. We birthed our children in front of the fireplace, so it was a perfect setting for his death. Anyone who wants to pay their respects is welcome to join us at our family home next Saturday, March 26th from 12 to 3. We live at 55-100 Rue Marande, Thermal, CA. 92274

Small Miracles

We all want the big miracle. Being on the lookout for miracles has yielded some pretty cool results that I want to share. A.) For those of you in 12 step programs, you will understand that a miracle occurred when a family member in early recovery came to the hospital to make amends to Ken. Healing and forgiveness based on unconditional love is the ultimate spiritual experience. B.) Our kids came from everywhere to be with us, the youngest driving all night with her fiance', with the news that they are moving their wedding from redwood forest to our backyard on April 9th. We had thought we would miss it, due to Ken's illness, and we are delighted with the change. C. When Ken arrived home and saw all of our children there, his eyes filled with happiness. D.) The IV vitamin C could have been difficult to track down, but a dear friend was able to access it fairly easily. Then, one bottle in a 3 pack arrived broken, and the company replaced it with another 3 pack, giving us 2 free bottles!
Getting onto hospice was an ordeal; social workers, nurses, case managers, etc... all at once. Explaining our history and hopes over and over took its toll and I was glad to have family support. One nurse took me outside to tell me that Ken is holding on for all of us and we need to be realistic and let him go, because he is suffering. This was naturally devastating. Back in the house, Isaac saw me crying and became concerned. When he asked, I told him what the nurse said. E.) Being schizoaffective, Isaac never touches anyone, but he initiated a hug.
As a family, we know Ken might die of cancer. That's different than dying of pneumonia. Ken wants the IV, he wants to fight and to live. We are supporting that battle. Things keep changing. Right now, the sore spots on his back and in his mouth are bothering him the most, but the intense abdominal pain seems to be over. He does not need as much pain medication. I call that a miracle.
All the prayers being said on our behalf are working. Here's a healing technique from Self-Realization Fellowship: http://www.yogananda-srf.org/tmp/spiritual.aspx?id=516 Unity and Ananda have our prayer requests as well. We are greatly strengthened and comforted by knowing all of you have our back.

Pneumonia!

The lab results we got in preparation for vitamin C treatments had one alarming finding: Ken's sodium and chloride were dangerously low. It had fallen even lower by the time we got to ER, where I took him after administering a tablespoon of sea salt. I had thought his confusion was due to the effects of medications; we had spent some wild nights with him getting up by himself--he even fell once; Isaac found him and carried him back to bed. When he was confused, Ken had no pain and amazing strength and stamina. It took 2 nights in the hospital to bring his sodium level up. While we were there Ken developed pneumonia, probably from inhaling something he should have been swallowing; the strong opiate drugs can have that side effect. He qualifies for hospice services so I signed up for that so he could come home with the IV and get more services. Hospice does not mean we are giving up, although the hospice philosophy is to aid comfortable dying. We are hoping they have to kick us off because his cancer goes into remission. The first thing Ken did was take off his fentanyl patch, because it was too strong. He is now on liquid morphine and is taking much less. He actually has less pain! The nausea is gone, too, and he is mentally with it again. Oxygen, breathing treatments, and an antibiotic are addressing the pneumonia. The antibiotic caused his mouth to become very sore from a yeast infection. We've started the IV vitamin C treatment and he says he feels better. Here's a story about vitamin C treating pneumonia: http://www.laleva.org/eng/2010/10/vitamin_c_saves_man_dying_of_viral_pneumonia.html The IV vitamin C must be derived from tapioca or beet, not corn. Here's more info about this cancer treatment: http://csn.cancer.org/node/211225

New Treatment

Search pubmed.gov for intravenous vitamin C and cancer. You will find many scientific studies. It seems that taking the powerful antioxidant by mouth can produce limited levels of vitamin C in the blood, because of the body's natural regulation functions that eliminate excess ascorbic acid. Administering vitamin C in an intravenous, solution such as lactated ringers, achieves very high blood levels that kill cancer similar to the way chemotherapy works, but without damaging healthy cells. The research is promising for advanced cancer of many types, including pancreatic. The treatment costs $250 for an initial visit and $150 per session locally. Considering he needs at least three sessions a week for several months and insurance does not cover it, money would be an obstacle. This is where the prayers you are all saying for Ken have paid off--our family doctor is happy to order the treatment and his assistant is providing the service in our home, for only the cost of supplies, which is very little. We are so blessed; and grateful for such clear guidance. Ken has been dehydrated and constipated due to the effects of opiate medications, we took care of both problems yesterday by having a professional colonic. Colon cleansing can play a big role in recovery from any disease.

Fighting Discouragement

Affirming healing in the face of pain, nausea and increasing weakness is difficult. I reached out to Brian Clement at Hippocrates Health Institute, my email subject being "Help! Ken is Getting Worse!" This was his reply:

Dear Mary:
Ken’s battle with his disease is classic. Please remember that when you are in a major battle, and winning, the bad guys have to leave the battlefield. This of course creates at best, discomfort, but additionally it can create sores, burning, emotional swings, lack of appetite, etc. Healing is a messy proposition and the pain adds another unwanted dimension. I hope the ablation will reduce this. Take it slow and move intentionally. You have our support and belief that he can bring about his own recovery as so many have in the past.

The ablation did help. There is still abdominal pain, and one option would be to destroy the nerves there--a celiac plexus block--done for end-stage pain relief. You can't restore the nerve function if the patient survives, so it's not something we are eager to do. Currently, I am encouraged by the fact that Ken's skin is healing--he has new pink skin where shingles scabs and pressure sores once were. It makes me think the body is also healing in unseen areas. Clement has years of experience with thousands of cases, so we are trusting that the battle can be, and is being, won--a teaspoon of E3 Live at a time.

Cryo Ablation for Pain Relief

Last Thursday, Ken went to Hoag Hospital in Costa Mesa (I think, It's right next to Huntington Beach on Pacific Coast Highway) for thermal ablation of the tumor that's been causing the majority of pain. Science is wonderful, he was immediately more comfortable after the procedure. Doctor Velling called me the night before to say that after studying the scan, he thought freezing the mass was a better option than destroying it with heat. Both techniques effectively kill cancer cells. In cryo ablation, freezing gas is pumped through the probe instead of heat. He was able to get around 95% of the cancer in that area. We are now struggling to reduce the pain medication without triggering nasty withdrawal symptoms. He is already taking one-third less narcotics than before.

Another Journey

With Ken's illness the focus of this blog changed abruptly. Originally, I wanted to document the unique experience of schizophrenia from an alternative health perspective. And finally the day came, with our daughter kindly consenting to stay with Ken, Isaac and I drove to a Southern California Outreach Clinic held by the Pfeiffer Treatment Center, at a Garden Grove hotel. I had filled out forms and done a phone intake prior to our appointment. The nurse in Chicago who is assigned to our case seems kind and compassionate. But at the hotel we saw a different nurse practitioner and I was not impressed with her. Perhaps because she was sick with a bad cold, her attitude was confrontational and challenging toward Isaac, over little details--about hearing voices (he says they stopped years ago, although who is he continually talking to and sometimes yelling at?) and about making a commitment to the program. I expected her to have a more skilled approach with a psychotic and possibly paranoid person. I intervened and told her if Pfeiffer can help him deal with being grilled like that, we will have met our goals. I told her he was only there because I wanted him to come, and that since he has given other treatments a good try I trusted he would do the same with this one. Next came the labwork, which included a comprehensive metabolic panel, chemistry, and minerals. They sent us home with a primer formula, added a much higher doses of omega 3 fatty acids than he was taking, and a borage oil supplement for GLA. For anxiety, they recommended 1,000 mg of GABA twice a day. For delusions and hallucinations I was told to order a formula containing equal parts niacinamide and vitamin C. This has not yet arrived, but Isaac is taking the other supplements just as I hoped he would.

Rough Patch

Ken's pain intensified, which made it difficult to follow our program of healing. Even one ounce of wheatgrass upset his stomach, his appetite is gone and his skin started breaking out. I don't know how much to blame on the larger doses of narcotics he has to take and how much to blame on his body eliminating toxins created by cancer die-off. I refuse to believe the cancer is worse. Fortunately, he can still take plenty of Sun Chlorella, which is high in protein. Unable to find low level cold laser treatment, we sought another solution to the pain. Well, our dear internet-savy daughter, Naomi, sought one. She found sources for radio frequency ablation, or RFA. Under CT or ultrasound imaging, an interventional radiologist (a medical specialty) can apply heat generated by electricity to kill cancer cells, in Ken's case in the soft tissue mass involving his rib. RFA can even be used for liver cancer. Last week we drove to Hoag Hospital in Irvine for a consult. After looking at last month's scan, the staff at Hoag gave us good news; Ken is a good candidate for RFA. The procedure is scheduled for Feb. 24th. Of course we checked with Hippocrates Health Institute before pursuing this treatment. Dr. Clement does not advise against it and states it "can be helpful." I remember reading 40 years ago, in Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, that in the future, disease would be treated with electricity. RFA has none of the side effects of standard radiation treatment, and it can be done in a single outpatient visit. In the meantime, with another increase in pain medication, Ken got some relief and is able to take more nourishment, including milk made from hemp seeds, avocado, and his favorite, chia seed lemonade. It helps to take his pills with food, and we are building up to small doses of wheatgrass while continuing implants.

First Tangible Results

We saw the oncologist yesterday. I was really dreading the visit, seeing as how it was so depressing last time. But she didn't have a bad word to say; in fact it was all good news! We had worried his pain was increasing, but she attributed the change to normal tolerance to the narcotics. The lymph node under his chin that was swollen last visit is no longer noticeable, and the spot in his back that has been causing him pain HAS NOT GROWN LARGER. Other good news came from recent labwork, the doctor said with some surprise that Ken's liver and kidneys are pretty healthy, and that his white blood count is elevated. People with cancer generally have very low white counts, it means his immune system is fighting back. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and I wanted to buy him balloons, I am so proud of him! We are energized now; it's working!

First Salad

Yesterday Ken ate his first salad after three weeks of liquid greens. I took a picture; it was a special occasion. The salad had sprouts, of course, and baby greens, spinach, a little juice from our cultured vegetables, lemon juice, red bell pepper, onion, avocado, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds and sea salt. We'd love to get our hands on some raw olives. After that he drank chia seed lemonade sweetened with stevia and five brazil nuts. In the evening I put the same ingredients, except for the seeds, in the food processor and he ate his salad with a spoon. I'm so happy he could tolerate solids, no digestive problems at all. It didn't cause hiccups and it didn't make his pain worse. Last night I made raw bread with flax seeds, walnuts and celery in the dehydrator. He ate two of those with avocado today and pronounced them "good."

Consult

Dr. Brian Clement is the Director of Hippocrates Health Institute in Florida. We were privileged to be able to arrange a phone consultation with him. Our doctor faxed all Ken's records and I sent a couple of emails ahead of time. At the appointed time, we put on the speaker phone and I recorded the conversation. What was supposed to be half and hour turned into 45 minutes. Dr. Clements was kind and compassionate and asked what we've been doing. I told him that Ken takes 2 ounces of wheatgrass three times daily plus "implants" (retention enemas of 4-6 ounces of wheatgrass)twice a day. I also make him 3 glasses of green juice, half of which is made from sunflower sprouts, with celery and cucumber or parsley, romaine, spinach, lemon, or garlic for variety. He stressed it is important not to use carrots or apples or anything sweet when you are fighting cancer. Lemons are the only fruit allowed. Bowel cleansing is also important. We have been doing this for 3 weeks now. Dr. Clement said we are doing great, that even stage 4 cancer is not a death sentence if you have a will and a desire to live and are willing to eat only 100% raw vegan foods. He told us to add chlorella (the expensive one, with no additives), and E3Live, a blue-green algae, an herbal supplement called Life One and a Systemic Enzyme supplement. We ordered all those. We also just got an infared sauna, which they use at Hippocrates. Dr. Clement said to have Ken in it 20 minutes a day at 140 to 160 degrees Fahrenheit to kill cancer cells, similar to treatments in Northern Europe that induce fevers. The sauna came from Costco, our daughter Naomi ordered it! Another suggestion was ginger juice for hiccups and laser treatment under a chiropractor's care for pain. We never got around to asking how much ginger to use, but online it suggests 6 grams twice a day for 5 days. We are looking into the laser treatments. Bottom line, Dr. Clement was encouraging that Ken can heal; all he has to do is drink wheatgrass, sprouts, algae and eat raw food! Tomorrow he's going to try eating, after 21 days on green liquid.

Family Therapy

Noticing how much Ken cheers up when the kids come to visit, I decided to implement our own version of "family therapy." Being as how we have seven adult children, some with families of their own, it is chaotic, though enjoyable, when we all get together. To respect Ken's very real need for rest, we decided to stagger the visits so that someone is coming nearly all the time. This arrangement also does not put too much pressure on one family member to be available constantly. The girls come during the week, and the boys alternate weekends. Our youngest daughter, and the furthest away, made flight arrangements for a short visit.

Spiritual Experience

Ken has been having spiritual experiences. He is drawn toward teachings that have been meaningful in his life, notably Paramahansa Yogananda's Self-Realization Fellowship Lessons that we were both taking when we met, 37 years ago. Master's hand has always been in our affairs, from falling in love, to raising our family and getting clean and sober, and in our adventures since then. Pain makes it hard to meditate, but Ken was getting insights into the nature of this crisis, and how it clarifies his purpose in life. He feels it is tied to a mission he has to help others. He realized that in order to stay on a 100% raw vegan diet necessary for healing, we would need passion for that endeavor and finding community and helping others is the way to keep passion alive. No different, really, than working a 12-step program.
Our oldest son, Aaron, has studied Reiki, a form of energy healing. He came one Saturday to do yardwork and offered Ken a Reiki session. Ken agreed, though he was somewhat skeptical. Skepticism turned into amazement, however. After the half-hour treatment, Ken told me that he felt Aaron's hands get really hot. He also felt that there were other beings in the room, intensifying the effort! This experience convinced him that Aaron has a true gift and can employ healing techniques to the benefit of those he works with. There was admiration in his voice.

How Would You Like to Die?

We met with the oncologist the following week. Ken had stayed on wheatgrass and other juices made with sprouts and green vegetables. I think the doctor will always remember him as the man with the green tongue. Amy Law, M.D., was kind and compassionate. She asked if we wanted to know how long Ken would likely live. I said "No," I did not want to hear that. Then she told us it was stage 4, only palliative care was available. Things like steroids, spot radiation and pain killers to make him more comfortable. Do you want to be doped up or would you like to be more alert, she asked Ken, and advised that he would not want to be resuscitated. The doc gave him a quick physical, she could feel a swollen lymph gland under his beard and told us that chest pain might occur because of the cancer growing in lymph glands there. We left feeling pretty depressed, even though we expected bad news and had made up our minds to fight the verdict with green superfoods and a positive attitude.

Big Changes

It started with a dream I had a few days before Christmas. I was at The Price is Right punchboard, playing the game. I punched a compartment in the upper left side of the board. It contained a stack of five burlap bags, each holding a billion gold dollar coins. One bag was leaking, spilling gold coins as it was lifted up to reveal what I won. I woke with a forbidding feeling--I knew the number five, as well as money, meant changes. The bigger the money, the bigger the changes. Something life-changing was about to happen. I knew it wasn't something I wanted. I started driving more slowly, looking both ways twice, taking my time and being extra cautious when I had to go somewhere. I looked up gold in Betty Bethard's The Dream Book, my favorite dream dictionary, and it said "a gift from The Universe." Okay, maybe it wouldn't be too bad.
The day after Christmas we were told Ken's CT scan showed a suspicious lesion on his rib. I went and bought wheatgrass and he immediately started a juice fast. A PET scan was the next step. I was told by a friend who saw it that there were several places in his body that looked like cancer. I couldn't sleep while we waited to meet with the surgeon. Finally, the official diagnosis, cancer that started in the pancreas and spread. No surgery or chemotherapy would fix it.