Linking Up With Heaven

Okay, I don't have a standard belief in Heaven, but the title is catchy, no? The subject is really those little signs and very personal signals that are Ken"s messages of love. He is not in the ladybug that lands on my glasses at a time of year when ladybugs are not normally seen. But I believe he sent the ladybug because he knows it will trigger my awareness and link me to him. Natural phenomenons are available to anyone, of course, it's the repetitiveness and out-of-the ordinary ways they behave that designates their status as messengers. If it makes me feel better I'll embrace it, thank my loved one and ask for more.
My daily routine now includes a relaxation and chakra-opening visualization, followed by holding images of Ken in my mind. Sometimes they sparkle and we make eye contact. The first time it happened he looked astonished that I broke through! It felt like real communication and I'm sure it was.
The kind of denial that drives me to hold on to everything he ever touched or used is still there. His ashes seem like the last thing I have left of him, but they are just ashes. Following direction from Marilyn Kaplan, the facilitator at my bereavement group, I spent time with the ashes on my lap. This was not as overwhelming as it sounds, in fact afterward I was able to purchase a beautiful silver star with hearts necklace from ashestoashes.com and fill it with a pinch of his ashes. I wear it next to my heart and am very proud of myself for filling it. They send a tiny funnel that makes it easy. Mourning jewelry used to be a common and comforting practice.

Changing Perspectives

Grief is not something I can get "over." It is something I will get through. Sometimes I think I am losing touch with reality, but it may be simply that my perspectives have changed. Watching a beautiful slideshow of family photos should not be excruciatingly painful! That reaction triggered anger and a determination to get through the pain to have my happy memories back. I sat with that slideshow and a box of Kleenex and watched it several times a day until my reaction was one of sweet sadness and smiles. I got through it! In griefworld, I have to clean up one little thing at a time. The images that haunt me have to be allowed to come, given their due attention, even if they come over and over again, until they don't. If they still haunt me, I'm not done yet. It takes courage to delve in, but my mind and body are providing a road map for the work I need to do.