Heartbreak and Loss

Ken left his body at 7:01 this morning, in front of the fireplace at home, surrounded by myself and our children. A sudden turn for the worse happened yesterday morning, characterized by difficulty breathing. Our wonderful hospice nurse came right away with tips to make him more comfortable. Between 3 and 4 am I woke up to find him awake and alert. I told him I loved him and said some familiar prayers and any reassuring thoughts that came to mind. Then he went to sleep, and by the time the kids got up his breathing had slowed down. We lit candles, put photos and flowers on the fireplace, burned the incense he liked and played some favorite music. Quickly, peacefully and naturally his breathing stopped. Officially, he died of complications of cancer. I feel very sorry for myself and the if-only's are crazy-making. I do know that Ken is all right and that I and our family will be all right in time. I am also grateful to the Universe to have had such a wonderful 37 1/2 year romance with Ken. He was an amazing husband and father. We birthed our children in front of the fireplace, so it was a perfect setting for his death. Anyone who wants to pay their respects is welcome to join us at our family home next Saturday, March 26th from 12 to 3. We live at 55-100 Rue Marande, Thermal, CA. 92274

Small Miracles

We all want the big miracle. Being on the lookout for miracles has yielded some pretty cool results that I want to share. A.) For those of you in 12 step programs, you will understand that a miracle occurred when a family member in early recovery came to the hospital to make amends to Ken. Healing and forgiveness based on unconditional love is the ultimate spiritual experience. B.) Our kids came from everywhere to be with us, the youngest driving all night with her fiance', with the news that they are moving their wedding from redwood forest to our backyard on April 9th. We had thought we would miss it, due to Ken's illness, and we are delighted with the change. C. When Ken arrived home and saw all of our children there, his eyes filled with happiness. D.) The IV vitamin C could have been difficult to track down, but a dear friend was able to access it fairly easily. Then, one bottle in a 3 pack arrived broken, and the company replaced it with another 3 pack, giving us 2 free bottles!
Getting onto hospice was an ordeal; social workers, nurses, case managers, etc... all at once. Explaining our history and hopes over and over took its toll and I was glad to have family support. One nurse took me outside to tell me that Ken is holding on for all of us and we need to be realistic and let him go, because he is suffering. This was naturally devastating. Back in the house, Isaac saw me crying and became concerned. When he asked, I told him what the nurse said. E.) Being schizoaffective, Isaac never touches anyone, but he initiated a hug.
As a family, we know Ken might die of cancer. That's different than dying of pneumonia. Ken wants the IV, he wants to fight and to live. We are supporting that battle. Things keep changing. Right now, the sore spots on his back and in his mouth are bothering him the most, but the intense abdominal pain seems to be over. He does not need as much pain medication. I call that a miracle.
All the prayers being said on our behalf are working. Here's a healing technique from Self-Realization Fellowship: http://www.yogananda-srf.org/tmp/spiritual.aspx?id=516 Unity and Ananda have our prayer requests as well. We are greatly strengthened and comforted by knowing all of you have our back.

Pneumonia!

The lab results we got in preparation for vitamin C treatments had one alarming finding: Ken's sodium and chloride were dangerously low. It had fallen even lower by the time we got to ER, where I took him after administering a tablespoon of sea salt. I had thought his confusion was due to the effects of medications; we had spent some wild nights with him getting up by himself--he even fell once; Isaac found him and carried him back to bed. When he was confused, Ken had no pain and amazing strength and stamina. It took 2 nights in the hospital to bring his sodium level up. While we were there Ken developed pneumonia, probably from inhaling something he should have been swallowing; the strong opiate drugs can have that side effect. He qualifies for hospice services so I signed up for that so he could come home with the IV and get more services. Hospice does not mean we are giving up, although the hospice philosophy is to aid comfortable dying. We are hoping they have to kick us off because his cancer goes into remission. The first thing Ken did was take off his fentanyl patch, because it was too strong. He is now on liquid morphine and is taking much less. He actually has less pain! The nausea is gone, too, and he is mentally with it again. Oxygen, breathing treatments, and an antibiotic are addressing the pneumonia. The antibiotic caused his mouth to become very sore from a yeast infection. We've started the IV vitamin C treatment and he says he feels better. Here's a story about vitamin C treating pneumonia: http://www.laleva.org/eng/2010/10/vitamin_c_saves_man_dying_of_viral_pneumonia.html The IV vitamin C must be derived from tapioca or beet, not corn. Here's more info about this cancer treatment: http://csn.cancer.org/node/211225

New Treatment

Search pubmed.gov for intravenous vitamin C and cancer. You will find many scientific studies. It seems that taking the powerful antioxidant by mouth can produce limited levels of vitamin C in the blood, because of the body's natural regulation functions that eliminate excess ascorbic acid. Administering vitamin C in an intravenous, solution such as lactated ringers, achieves very high blood levels that kill cancer similar to the way chemotherapy works, but without damaging healthy cells. The research is promising for advanced cancer of many types, including pancreatic. The treatment costs $250 for an initial visit and $150 per session locally. Considering he needs at least three sessions a week for several months and insurance does not cover it, money would be an obstacle. This is where the prayers you are all saying for Ken have paid off--our family doctor is happy to order the treatment and his assistant is providing the service in our home, for only the cost of supplies, which is very little. We are so blessed; and grateful for such clear guidance. Ken has been dehydrated and constipated due to the effects of opiate medications, we took care of both problems yesterday by having a professional colonic. Colon cleansing can play a big role in recovery from any disease.

Fighting Discouragement

Affirming healing in the face of pain, nausea and increasing weakness is difficult. I reached out to Brian Clement at Hippocrates Health Institute, my email subject being "Help! Ken is Getting Worse!" This was his reply:

Dear Mary:
Ken’s battle with his disease is classic. Please remember that when you are in a major battle, and winning, the bad guys have to leave the battlefield. This of course creates at best, discomfort, but additionally it can create sores, burning, emotional swings, lack of appetite, etc. Healing is a messy proposition and the pain adds another unwanted dimension. I hope the ablation will reduce this. Take it slow and move intentionally. You have our support and belief that he can bring about his own recovery as so many have in the past.

The ablation did help. There is still abdominal pain, and one option would be to destroy the nerves there--a celiac plexus block--done for end-stage pain relief. You can't restore the nerve function if the patient survives, so it's not something we are eager to do. Currently, I am encouraged by the fact that Ken's skin is healing--he has new pink skin where shingles scabs and pressure sores once were. It makes me think the body is also healing in unseen areas. Clement has years of experience with thousands of cases, so we are trusting that the battle can be, and is being, won--a teaspoon of E3 Live at a time.