Acceptance

There have been several "dream messages" from Ken given to me through family members. Most notably, our youngest daughter's, here's her description, written to me in an email: "I went to my house but you were there making food. It felt like your house but it was definitely mine. I was talking to you when I saw Daddy's butt as he got out of the shower. I said, "of all parts to see of Daddy, I get to see his butt!" and you laughed. After he got shorts on he walked by. I asked you if I was just seeing things and you said, "Try to talk to him" as he walked by I asked, "Hey Daddy how ya doing?" and he said, "I'm doing great. Thin, active, and I still get to be here" He walked into the bedroom and Cat was right behind him wagging her tail a whole bunch. She acted like she didn't even see me :( I saw her though. They disappeared. I cried with you for a second and then Daddy called out, "Hey Mary" and I looked up and said, "Daddy just called you" and you said, "I heard him" with a big grin. You went into the bedroom and laid your head on his belly. Then you came back into the kitchen and showed me the dish you had prepared. It was lettuce on top of a whole head of purple cabbage that was on top of a bowl of chopped vegetables. I took a bite of the cabbage and it just fell apart perfectly. You said you soaked it overnight in vegetable juice. Everything was super soft and perfect. I took a bite of the vegetables in the bowl with a big wooden spoon and accidentally ate the spoon! I apologized and figured out, oh this is a dream! I can't eat wood even if it's soaked over night. Then Daddy came back and said, "Tell your mom to separate the pictures and put the right ones into a storage container way back."
I'm so proud of her ability to achieve lucid dreams, which has been a goal of mine. Later, she told me he said "box" instead of "storage container," as that was her interpretation. I had been working on a grief box, an exercise for my bereavement support group, and the small photo album I had filled with Ken's photos didn't fit. So the message made sense to me, and I was very happy he was here and aware of what I'm doing.
Now the acceptance part. I am truly here without him. Wishing it were different is causing me pain, just as wishing my son was not schizophrenic causes pain to him and myself, because what is, is. It takes a lot of trust to believe that there are no accidents, no tragedies, just truth--truth that I signed up for and agree with. I am profoundly changed by my losses, there is no doubt about that. I seek to grow and to make almost 40 years of great love with Ken spiritually worth it. How can it not be?

Treating Psychosis Naturally

Pfeiffer Treatment Center diagnosed my son, who has schizophrenic symptoms but does not respond to conventional treatment, with pyroluria, a genetic blood disorder that allows pyroles to build up when hemoglobin is produced. The result is zinc and B6 deficiency, usually becoming worse during puberty. The symptoms may be similar to bipolar or schizoaffective disorders, and can manifest as anxiety and an inability to handle stress. B6 and zinc deficiency are easy to correct with megadoses of supplements; the challenge is to get someone with hallucinations and delusions to take them. Also, long-standing nutrient deficiencies can cause other imbalances. Pfeiffer compounded a formula for my son, who is not consistent about taking it. Since Ken passed I have been working to pay bills. I believe this is exactly as it should be, I am being guided, and it leaves my son very much on his own...we'll see how that turns out. The zinc and vitamin C are actually easy to add to tart foods like yogurt and lemonade. The B vitamins, however, are bitter tasting. I keep putting out the capsules and he takes them when he feels like it. I have just asked him not to throw them in the trash or the sink, due to the cost. He's a sweet soul, so my request has been honored. Eventually I think he will decide it is easier to take them than to hide them from me or try to get me to give up. Giving up is not an option for me. Add to that my daughter tested her 7 year old for pyroles and found a definite problem, explaining many troublesome behaviors, and is beginning early treatment. Go, next generation with knowledge!!

Learning to do Grief

Grief felt pretty much like self-pity at first. I know with all my being that Ken is not dead. He is young, strong, healthy and happy to be out of his sick body. I miss his old form terribly though. After not knowing what to do with myself I was directed to a grief group led by a dynamic facilitator at Hoag Hospital in Newport Beach. She suggests an hour a day of grief work, with props like photos and songs, to empty out emotions so they don't build up to tsunami levels. This works, it feels healthy and natural. I still fall apart in the car sometimes (are other people in their cars doing this? Pull over!). I keep kleenex on the front seat and lean into it. I feel Ken's comforting touch and embrace, I see his smile and am aware of his mannerisms as if he is close to me. Over-analyzing this as either my imagination or my holding him back from his own journey, I was comforted by my daughter's dream. In it, he told her not to grieve that he is missing events in our lives, because time is not the same where he is, and our separation is just the blink of an eye, it's nothing.

Not that I'm an expert or anything...

Mary Earhart,

Congratulations! Your article "Understanding Psychosis, Hallucinations and Dreams" was chosen by the Editor of the Section in which it appears this week because it exemplifies the quality content, excellent presentation, and high standard we are striving for at Suite101. The check mark icon associated with this Editor's Choice award appears on the article itself, and wherever it is listed on the site, and will continue to do so from this moment forward. Keep up the great work and enjoy this well-deserved recognition.

To view your article
cut and paste this url address: http://www.suite101.com/content/understanding-psychosis-hallucinations-and-dreams-a377729

Heartbreak and Loss

Ken left his body at 7:01 this morning, in front of the fireplace at home, surrounded by myself and our children. A sudden turn for the worse happened yesterday morning, characterized by difficulty breathing. Our wonderful hospice nurse came right away with tips to make him more comfortable. Between 3 and 4 am I woke up to find him awake and alert. I told him I loved him and said some familiar prayers and any reassuring thoughts that came to mind. Then he went to sleep, and by the time the kids got up his breathing had slowed down. We lit candles, put photos and flowers on the fireplace, burned the incense he liked and played some favorite music. Quickly, peacefully and naturally his breathing stopped. Officially, he died of complications of cancer. I feel very sorry for myself and the if-only's are crazy-making. I do know that Ken is all right and that I and our family will be all right in time. I am also grateful to the Universe to have had such a wonderful 37 1/2 year romance with Ken. He was an amazing husband and father. We birthed our children in front of the fireplace, so it was a perfect setting for his death. Anyone who wants to pay their respects is welcome to join us at our family home next Saturday, March 26th from 12 to 3. We live at 55-100 Rue Marande, Thermal, CA. 92274

Small Miracles

We all want the big miracle. Being on the lookout for miracles has yielded some pretty cool results that I want to share. A.) For those of you in 12 step programs, you will understand that a miracle occurred when a family member in early recovery came to the hospital to make amends to Ken. Healing and forgiveness based on unconditional love is the ultimate spiritual experience. B.) Our kids came from everywhere to be with us, the youngest driving all night with her fiance', with the news that they are moving their wedding from redwood forest to our backyard on April 9th. We had thought we would miss it, due to Ken's illness, and we are delighted with the change. C. When Ken arrived home and saw all of our children there, his eyes filled with happiness. D.) The IV vitamin C could have been difficult to track down, but a dear friend was able to access it fairly easily. Then, one bottle in a 3 pack arrived broken, and the company replaced it with another 3 pack, giving us 2 free bottles!
Getting onto hospice was an ordeal; social workers, nurses, case managers, etc... all at once. Explaining our history and hopes over and over took its toll and I was glad to have family support. One nurse took me outside to tell me that Ken is holding on for all of us and we need to be realistic and let him go, because he is suffering. This was naturally devastating. Back in the house, Isaac saw me crying and became concerned. When he asked, I told him what the nurse said. E.) Being schizoaffective, Isaac never touches anyone, but he initiated a hug.
As a family, we know Ken might die of cancer. That's different than dying of pneumonia. Ken wants the IV, he wants to fight and to live. We are supporting that battle. Things keep changing. Right now, the sore spots on his back and in his mouth are bothering him the most, but the intense abdominal pain seems to be over. He does not need as much pain medication. I call that a miracle.
All the prayers being said on our behalf are working. Here's a healing technique from Self-Realization Fellowship: http://www.yogananda-srf.org/tmp/spiritual.aspx?id=516 Unity and Ananda have our prayer requests as well. We are greatly strengthened and comforted by knowing all of you have our back.

Pneumonia!

The lab results we got in preparation for vitamin C treatments had one alarming finding: Ken's sodium and chloride were dangerously low. It had fallen even lower by the time we got to ER, where I took him after administering a tablespoon of sea salt. I had thought his confusion was due to the effects of medications; we had spent some wild nights with him getting up by himself--he even fell once; Isaac found him and carried him back to bed. When he was confused, Ken had no pain and amazing strength and stamina. It took 2 nights in the hospital to bring his sodium level up. While we were there Ken developed pneumonia, probably from inhaling something he should have been swallowing; the strong opiate drugs can have that side effect. He qualifies for hospice services so I signed up for that so he could come home with the IV and get more services. Hospice does not mean we are giving up, although the hospice philosophy is to aid comfortable dying. We are hoping they have to kick us off because his cancer goes into remission. The first thing Ken did was take off his fentanyl patch, because it was too strong. He is now on liquid morphine and is taking much less. He actually has less pain! The nausea is gone, too, and he is mentally with it again. Oxygen, breathing treatments, and an antibiotic are addressing the pneumonia. The antibiotic caused his mouth to become very sore from a yeast infection. We've started the IV vitamin C treatment and he says he feels better. Here's a story about vitamin C treating pneumonia: http://www.laleva.org/eng/2010/10/vitamin_c_saves_man_dying_of_viral_pneumonia.html The IV vitamin C must be derived from tapioca or beet, not corn. Here's more info about this cancer treatment: http://csn.cancer.org/node/211225